He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
