He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
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Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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