The maid of honor just puked.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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