guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Send help, water and tortillas.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I need water and some morals
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
