Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
