If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
