Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
