he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
