when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
