When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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