dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I've blown a few things in my day
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
