you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
