Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
