I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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