i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
