a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater