and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.