So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
