My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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