I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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