i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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