do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
