defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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