You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
