i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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