I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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