Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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