Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
