Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
