you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
