Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
