he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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