i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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