I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
