just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
