I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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