then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
