Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
