yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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