Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
