i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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