I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
