I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She is in my trunk
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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