Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I need to calm my uterus...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
