I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
