you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
