there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
