it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
