My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
