we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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