I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
