The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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