Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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