This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
im having a threesome with these popsicles
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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