I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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